Here we go. This will be fun for me....and likely my mom. It will be 'de ja vu' for my twin. In fact, she may argue with me that some of these photos are her (she may be right). We've lived the same life. What's the diff? ;)
My parents used to tease us that we were "Baby A" and "Baby B" when we were young....and that's how they kept track of who was who. Then they'd argue which baby was A or B. We'd laugh...but I'd always kind of wonder if I was REALLY Danielle and there had been some mix up along the way?!
Either way... here I am....Baby B (aka the YOUNGER twin).
Born in Dallas, Texas....and partially raised there. We lived in a tiny little house. My parents were broke. They had a 22 month old and got an unexpected SUPRISE that there were in fact TWO, not just one, just a few short weeks before our arrival. We didn't have a whole lot.... or so I'm told, but we sure didn't know! We had so much love... and I have not ONE bad memory from my childhood!
Here I am with the TWO best friends a girl can ever ask for! You all know I have a twin, most of you know I have an older sister too. It wasn't until my older years that I ever stopped to realize how hard it would be to be the sister to twins. In so many ways, we are the same person. It is hard to explain to anyone the relationship we have. Our husband's are learning it now....8+ years in to this game. The fact is, we have an older sister that we adore. She is one of the kindest, most generous people I've ever known (but boy was she ornery). I'll spare you the stories of perfume concoctions and edible dog poop... (they might just contradict my above claim of only fond memories.)
Can you guess who is who? I'm not telling. Sure wish I had those boots again. If you could of HEARD us talk then, you'dve heard a pretty thick Texas accent.... proclaimin' we were from Maaaaansfieeeld, Teeeeexaaas.
We lived there until we were 8...and in the middle of our third grade year we packed up and moved HOME! My parents were high school sweathearts that graduated from South High, right here in Wichita, KS. A move back to Kansas meant a move back to family....and we were downright giddy about the news.
I seem to be void of any pics around here from the next decade of my life...(mom has them I'm sure---not gonna lie, even if I did have them, they are too brutal to share ;)
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So I'll move on to the health revelations/reflection. About the age of 8, I remember starting a real infatuation with food. We'd look forward to after school snacks, and fill our mother in on all the juicy details of our life---and we'd eat. I remember sneaking food from the pantry off an on all evening really. These habit continued throughout.... well my whole life really. At this time in my life though, my body was able to keep up with it... and although I have NEVER been one that was very physically active.... I didn't have to pay the price for the poor choices..... yet.
Here we are, sophomore year of high school.... can you believe mom was still dressing us alike and just how similar we looked?? It's crazy really. (or maybe I was unable to find scissors and didn't want to figure out the crop option on the scanner). Anyway.... all through middle school and high school I was definitely "bigger" than most of my friends and well aware of it. I can honestly not remember even ONE time purchasing a "single digit" of clothing. I would say some "self conscious" tendencies were entering in to my life, but I was happy enough. My food addiction was still revvin' up... I remember taking (way too much) delight in the days DAD would do the shopping, because I knew he'd be coming home with lots of goodies that were not on the list! I also remember the enjoyment of hearing mom was headed to SAM'S would bring. A more than stocked pantry.... booyah!!!!! (yesterday's woot, woot for those not trackin'!)
This night was Hollyball--1994, if I'm not mistaken. The girls ask the guys, the girls pay! I had a dear friend as a date. A big ol' group of us went to Olive Garden...and you know what I remember most about that night? (Oh my, I'm seriously embarrassed to admit this!) I don't remember a single dance, or popular song, the group we were with is fuzzy.... but I do remember I had ELEVEN breadsticks. That's 1-1. Your eyes aren't fooling you. Someone get me a lesson in moderation....STAT! We laughed about it that night.... now, it's just a sad reminder to me, every time I go there, about the disregard I showed for health.
My senior year of high school, I went on a road trip back to our old Texas stompin' ground with 3 of my dear friends! It was there that I have my first recollection of a true addiction to food setting in. We laughed off and on the whole trip, about how we were planning a yummy lunch stop, while eating breakfast.....and weighing out our amazing dinner options..as we were eating lunch. It was becoming an obsession.
While that's my first recollection of that behavior... that same obsession about food....and my life revolving around it, has continued. When I was young with a high functioning metabolism... I got away with it! I was no bean pole...but I wasn't truly paying the price for my bad choices. I didn't have to think about what I was doing to my body. I didn't stop to think about the lifelong habits, bad habits, that I was developing. I NEVER told myself no. If it sounded good, I ate it. If there was more left, I'd finish it off.
I may have mentioned in other posts about what a "goody goody" I was.... if this isn't proof, I don't know what is. This is how we rang in our 21st!!! Woo hoo!!!
Time for transparency. I'm outing it all here... during my college years (the years leading up to this pic), I started packing on weight. I ate what was quick, what was easy, and a lot of it. I was introduced to the WHOPPER for the first time.... fell in love with a dessert at one Willie C.s Café... "Willie's Wonder" .... and had a car and a little income to partake as I desired. We went to Cancun my Junior year on a choir tour....and upon getting my film developed (remember those days, ha).... I hit panic mode. I was horrified at what I was seeing. With a little more time in my day, I may have wrangled up some of those pics.... but I'll just say that the above pic, was the SMALLEST I had been since my senior year of high school. I am not at all proud to say, but will admit it here because it's a reality of my life. During the summer after Cancun, and all through most of my fall student teaching semester, I was starving myself. I remember eating only lettuce and saltine crackers--- I remember LOVING the feeling of my growling stomach....and mostly I remember the compliments, and how good I felt hearing someone call me SKINNY.
How does this happen? How does someone with all kinds of love and support take such drastic and dangerous measures to lose weight? Honestly, I don't have the answer to that... but I do know that I didn't really know how or where to start a healthy routine. So, I toyed around with it a few days, could tell it was working.. and off I went. NO ONE on the planet knew this was going down... not even my twin.
Lucky for me... I came to my senses in a short matter of time. I resumed my previous eating habits-- and although the weight came back on....and then some, I have never gone back down that slippery slope.
After graduating, I got my first teaching job, had a "big girl" income. For the next 5 years, there was a gradual gain. I hadn't met Mr. Right yet....so I do think I kept a watchful eye on it, and I know throughout these years, I gave Atkins a whirl... also Slim Fast, and even tried a pill that I saw advertised in the back of a magazine....that literally left me puking.
In 2004, I met the most AMAZING man... the one that helps me prove every day, that opposites attract, ha! Our dating relationship REVOLVED around food. He worked late, and every single night we ate out. We loved it. We had to-go boxes in the fridge at any given time that would have stretched around a track (we weren't running around by the way). By the time he decided to put a ring on it
(BEST PROPOSAL EVER)
we had BOTH put on our fair share of weight. For what we were eating, it should have been more....but like I said earlier, ONE of us was still in our 20's and had a body still working for them to some degree.... the other was not in his 20's, but happened to be a man.... and it seems their bodies can handle those things a little better.
I thought for sure I'd get my booty in gear and have a super-model bod before the BIG DAY. Nope. I lost a little... but at that point, I think I suffered a little from the "I GOT MY MAN" mentality....and because it still hadn't crossed over for me....beyond vanity.... beyond appearance.... it wasn't enough motivation. The HEALTH aspect of what I was doing to my body, just wasn't there.
After our trip down the aisle, we waited about 2.3 nano-seconds to start a family! And my NEXT 5 years consisted of being pregnant or tending to a newborn. I was not taking care of myself. I was napping for hours----EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. I was not panning out to be the mom I always thought I would be.... because I was too tired and miserable in my skin to be THAT mom. I do believe the saying is true.... "you can't love, if you don't love yourself". I did wholeheartedly love my babies---but I was not able to make the memories, be active with them.... keep up with the daily grind and have anything left for my husband.... it was starting to occur to me that my HEALTH was in a VERY bad state!
Sometime during those years, my sweet grandma snagged this pic...
and for the first time ever, I was elated that she (and my mom) are often prone to chopping off heads in pics. I thought of burning it first, but then thought, maybe some day, it would serve as motivation. It did.
This was how I was living. In a KU hoodie or jacket of some sort (even if it was 80 degrees out). Miserable in my own skin, but not going to do anything about it.
----Yes, my son is on a "leash"...and I'll tell you all, (as I would tell the zoo gawkers), my son's safety is more important than anyone's opinion of me...and trust me when I tell you... this was a safety NEED at the time. Happy to say we've graduated past it! :)-----
I'd gotten REALLY good at being the butt of my own jokes...making fun of myself for my size and lack of willpower. Honestly I STILL struggle with this one... always want to beat someone to the punch at pointing out my flaws.
At this point in my life.. I'd say my food addiction was spiraling out of control. I was seeing numbers on the scale that I was starting to think would never go back down. I was hitting a helpless level... living my life one bad eating choice to the next. Giving in to every craving I'd ever had. Wishing there was some magic switch I could flip to go back in time and TEACH myself moderation. Some crystal ball I could've looked into in my teens, that would have showed me what the bad habits I was creating were leading me to.
Every year we go on vacation with my husband's family. It's one of my favorite weeks of the year... except for the whole "I get to be in a swimsuit" around fit people for 7 days bit. Let me be clear to say, not one of them has ever cared what I look like, or made me feel that way... it's my own insecurities. Those insecurities.... had me literally on the boat....in the cover up for 6 or 7 years in a ROW. Didn't get in the water once. Now I have an active imagination, and would take pool water over lake water ANY DAY... and so my boat stays, weren't solely because of the cover up it allowed, but mostly, yes.
So shortly after THIS vacation....
the sweet little munchkin in the pic with me.... asked me a question that smacked me over the head.
"Mommy, are you afraid of the water?"
My reply, "No, honey, why would you ask such a silly question."
"Because you never get out of the boat when we are on vacation. Only daddy does."
We'll call that my final wake up call! I was living my life on the sidelines. Watching my husband enjoy our kids. And my young daughter had already figured it out.
So now the real journey began. I HAD to get control of my weight. During the next year and a half, I did what I call the "You name it, I tried it" plan. I even BLOGGED to Lose!! Anyone remember that? I tried counting points, I tried a 24 day challenge, I did the whole pre-packaged meals thing. With all of them... I'd have some success. I'd start seeing the scale go the right direction.... and inevitably, stop the plan and gain all of it back, sometimes then some. Have you been there??
I was in the process of putting back on the weight I'd lost from the above mentioned methods, when I first heard of X. I thought of it as an "8 day trial". I was setting out to lose 5-15 lbs in 8 days. And I did... I lost 8 to be exact. But I gained so much more.... I gained the energy that had disappeared. I gained hours of my life back, EVERY DAY, because I was no longer napping. TMI---but my major constipation issues, went out the door too..... but MOST excitedly, I found a HEALTHY LIFESTYLE, that I could enjoy for the long haul. For the first time in my journey, I found a plan that opened my eyes to my weight being a matter of poor health... not just an eye sore!!!
All of this time I had been trying to find the motivation from within to tackle my weight, because I despised what I looked like....and when it was all said and done....that wasn't enough for me. But when these little angels entered my life....
...I was no longer living for me. My refusal to take care of myself, was a refusal to be the best mom I could be. Essentially it was me choosing my addiction to food, (and let me tell you....it IS AN ADDICTION).... over a long, healthy life.
None of us know how long we have on this earth. My husband knows this too well. About the time in my life when I was eating 11 breadsticks... he lost his dad. His hero, unexpectedly walked off this Earth, and though he entered a far better place, his absence still hurts so many everyday.
Jason and I have BOTH decided that we will do EVERYTHING in our power to be here for our children, as long as we possibly can. I know that my decision to be healthy and to fill myself with amazing nutrients, does not guarantee me a longer life.... but it is a FACT that my obesity could have cut my life short. It is a FACT that obesity is the number one cause of PREVENTABLE deaths.
So, I'm writing this to "pimp my products. Right? Nope. I'm writing this because I am celebrating MY choice.. MY decision to not live my next 30 years, the way I lived my last 30. I'm writing this because on this THROWBACK THURSDAY, I saw a new number on the scale, I hadn't seen in a long, long, long, long time. I'm writing this, because I'm inching towards that "healthy bmi" range... I'm writing this because X, and my journey with it, is a huge part of The Whole White World...and has been a total family affair.
Different things work for different people. This is just MY game changer---and I hope by me opening up about some of my journey, you will understand why I am so VERY passionate about sharing it with others. I know what it feels like to be closer to 300 lbs than 200lbs--- yep I said it (we'll see if I delete it before this posts). I know what it feels like to sit next to your husband watching football, hearing him go on and on about the "huge linebacker" he wouldn't want to be on the other side of... and crying inside when his stats flashed across the tv screen, and I outweighed him by 20 lbs. I know what it's like to have needless surgeries because of the harm I did to my body---and I know that helpless feeling when FOOD HAS CONTROL OVER YOU--and it's all you can think about... and you can't seem to convince yourself that you don't NEED that brownie!
Not any more. I've got the right tools and I do believe knowledge is power! I'm off the hamster wheel. The search for "how" is over--not the journey though.
There is NO GOIN' BACK... just THROWIN' BACK!!!!!
Thanks for following us! This crazy little blog has had over 10,000 views and I can't even wrap my head around that!
XOXO
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