Fast forward to today, that boyfriend of mine and I are celebrating 9 incredible years of marriage. The song he sang that night... is "our song"... and ironically enough, it's actually a song about separation... but that doesn't matter.... because EVERY time we hear that song, he grabs my hand, and I am taken right back to that moment....that we fell in love (or at least I did--pretty sure I had HIM at hello!)
I don't claim to have the perfect marriage, not sure those even exist.... but I can tell you the last 9 years have had a lot of highs, and life has thrown a lot of lows at us too.
Today, as he is working his day off in preparation for the opening of a new store he is so excited about, and I'm homebound with the kiddos, one of which isn't feeling well... I'm going to reflect on the highs and lows.
This date, November 19th, wasn't just our anniversary.... but it was actually the due date of our very first child.... yes, we waited a whopping 3 months to start a family. I remember seeing those two pink lines....and running out to buy every infant OU (he's a BIG fan) outfit I could find, for both genders. Then I went home and spread them all over our bed....so that when he came home from work that day, he would have the surprise of his life. I will never forget the look on his face... the tears in his eyes... and the smile that didn't leave...for several months anyway.
The name game was well under way, it's all we could talk about.... we'd had our first initial appointments.... saw the heartbeat for the first time, and were just thrilled as can be. And then... when I was around 13-14 weeks along... we went to what we thought would be another joyous appointment... but instead got our first dose of devastation in our marriage.... because this time, there was no heartbeat. Our first baby, "Baby K" went straight to heaven.... I cried for days, off an on, for weeks really.... and he was like a stone. I knew he was grieving, but in such a different way.
There is joy after every suffering.. and several months later, there were two more pink lines... our innocence for the pure joy that was there previously, was now tarnished with nerves and anxiousness, but this time was different. This time those two pink lines led to the most beautiful little girl, Kambree, who was safely in our arms on March 22, 2007.
We had more heartache in the form of one more loss before having our second child.... our son, his BOY.... and we were so excited to name him, Kenton.... after Jason's late father. Jason was no stranger to heartache... he had to bury his father, his hero, at the age of 21.... and I know that has shaped him in to the man that he is.... and let me tell you, it's an amazing one.
Kenton's entrance into this world.... was a little too early, and his lungs weren't developed. We got to love on him for a little over an hour, observing concerned "looks" between nurses and doctors, and eventually, they carted him off to the NICU where his lungs collapsed... it was there he stayed for the longest 9 days of my life.
My husband was back and forth, all night long.. trying to be there for me, and trying to be by our son's side. After about 24 hours I was finally able to see Kenton again, and after 48 hours, I was able to hold him. One of the most beautiful moments of my life... that painful few days, opened itself into such a beautiful moment forever etched in my mind. After 5 days, they finally kicked me out of my room... and we spent the next 4 days, by his side each day...but every night ended the same way....Jason dragging his sobbing wife away from their baby's side, and holding her all the way through the hospital halls and to the car..... leaving their son to the care of doctors and nurses...so we could go home and get some sleep, and spend a precious few moments with our daughter. It was certainly not an ideal entrance in to this world, but where there is great pain, there is often great joy... and I will NEVER forget the three of us, riding in the elevator to exit the hospital.... on our way home. There are no words to describe the elation we had, to be finally bringing him home!
Our family wasn't quite complete.... Kreslee came on the scene like clockwork, 2 years later....it was uneventful, and she was perfect..... and alas we were done.
Two daughters, one son... each of them perfectly created by the one who knit them together in my womb....
So, the first 5 years of our marriage, can be pretty much summed up like this.... pregnancy, life with an infant, pregnancy, life with an infant and 2 year old, pregnancy, life with an infant, 2 year old, and a four year old. Oy!
Days upon days, years upon years of bottles, diapers, rocking, searching for binkies, so many firsts.... baths, steps, birthdays.... and then one day, all of those things were gone. At the time, it was so exhausting..... parenting in the early years is manual labor.... no doubt about it.....there were many moments when every kid was crying and both parents were trying not to, days where we wondered if we were screwing them all up.... and then one day, we woke up.... and there were no more diapers in the house... the bottles were gone. There was no longer a need for a glider in the nursery and so that was hauled off... the crib taken down... that time in our marriage was gone. We were moving on to another phase. There are moments when I'd give just about anything to go back to those days... to GET to be pregnant one more time, (yes, I LOVED being pregnant), to have another baby to rock and feed... but instead, what we have are the most amazing memories we made in those early years of our marriage.... they are many, and they are sweet.
The last 4 years have had just as many highs.... and of course some lows too, because that is this thing called LIFE. It's not always good... it's not always bad. We have been through devastating diagnosis' for our children, burials of loved ones, and high stress times... but there have also been amazing vacations, our daughter's baptism, new and exciting job ventures, new nieces and nephews... and so many moments where are cups, are truly running over.
As far as it goes for marriage (this is the anniversary edition, right?), I've determined this. It is oh so easy to love each other in the good times, in the health, in the wealth... but when hard times come knocking, THAT is when you find out what your marriage is made of. In high stress times... you want to blame someone... you want to lash out, and often a spouse seems like an easy target. They have to love you, right? What happens to the love if you tear down, and pick at each other, and tear down, and pick at each other...you make each other your punching bag so to speak.... and you never take time to re-focus, and remind yourself of how much you love about that person.
We don't do everything right.... and I can very honestly tell you, the past year of stress in our lives, has forced us to work harder on our marriage than ever before... but that's just what we are doing... working harder. We know what stress does to a marriage... we've seen the statistics... and we won't be one.
For us, here is what working harder looks like....
We've identified that we grieve differently. I vent. I research. I blog. He holds it in. In essence, he's the thinker, I'm the spewer (bad choice of word, did I mention I'm home with a sick one?). I need to let him talk things through in his time... and he needs to be a listening ear even when he doesn't feel like discussing things.
We are quick to apologize when we feel like we have lashed out. We don't let stressful moments, or a slight bicker turn into a day of bickering. We work it out quickly...and move on. You know, kiss and make up?
We remind ourselves that no one has to be "right" or "wrong".
We give each other a "pass" on tone of voice once... it's amazing how many fights can be triggered by the tone of voice... or how one of us perceived it. We remind ourselves, that the person we LOVE is just stressed... and CHOOSE to not make an issue of it. Not to let it turn into a wasted evening of bickering. (I'll admit, Jason has had to do more of this forgiving than me-- but hey, I'm quicker to apologize.)
We are MAKING time to connect with each other, in a quality way, despite the chaos of our schedules filled with therapies and treatments. We are still going on dates, even though it may mean some creativity on getting Kambree's treatment done...even though some times, it just seems easier to stay home.
We pray together. We pray for each other.
We try to make each other laugh and smile....daily. When we were engaged, Jason told me his most important job in life, would be to make me smile every day.... one day I got flowers at work, and the card simply said..... "Did I make you smile?" He did then.... and he still does. In fact.... I just got the most beautiful roses delivered a few minutes ago... nine years later, he is STILL making me smile.
And you know what else we do...
In those crazy hectic moments, where we've been barking at each other... and letting stress mode get the best of us...we will stop and play OUR SONG! We don't just play it, we playfully serenade each other, find the closest thing we can to a pool stick for a makeshift mic, and take ourselves back to that moment in time when we very first fell in love. We take ourselves back to the time where it was just he and I....and all we had was the love that started this whole White world!
Happy anniversary to the most amazing man, I get to call mine. I love you, Jason. You bought me flowers. I blogged about you.... even? It'll have to be, because I've been home taking care of our puking babies for 3 days...no time for a gift.... and so it goes....in the good....in the bad.....I will always love you!
For you inquiring minds on what our song is.... here you go.... take a listen... I assure you we will be!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPBzTxZQG5Q
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