Our Song

About 11 years ago, I was sitting in my boyfriend's garage... a total man-cave, complete with a couch and pool table....he was having a party. I was keeping my spot on the couch nice and warm, as I typically do in those environments, watching him mingle and have a good time. The next thing I knew, his pool stick had become his microphone, and he was signing a song. As silly as it sounds, I can pinpoint THAT exact moment as being when I fell in love with him.

 Fast forward to today, that boyfriend of mine and I are celebrating 9 incredible years of marriage. The song he sang that night... is "our song"... and ironically enough, it's actually a song about separation... but that doesn't matter.... because EVERY time we hear that song, he grabs my hand, and I am taken right back to that moment....that we fell in love (or at least I did--pretty sure I had HIM at hello!)

I don't claim to have the perfect marriage, not sure those even exist.... but I can tell you the last 9 years have had a lot of highs, and life has thrown a lot of lows at us too.

Today, as he is working his day off in preparation for the opening of a new store he is so excited about, and I'm homebound with the kiddos, one of which isn't feeling well... I'm going to reflect on the highs and lows.

This date, November 19th, wasn't just our anniversary.... but it was actually the due date of our very first child.... yes, we waited a whopping 3 months to start a family. I remember seeing those two pink lines....and running out to buy every infant OU (he's a BIG fan) outfit I could find, for both genders. Then I went home and spread them all over our bed....so that when he came home from work that day, he would have the surprise of his life.  I will never forget the look on his face... the tears in his eyes... and the smile that didn't leave...for several months anyway.

The name game was well under way, it's all we could talk about.... we'd had our first initial appointments.... saw the heartbeat for the first time, and were just thrilled as can be.  And then... when I was around 13-14 weeks along... we went to what we thought would be another joyous appointment... but instead got our first dose of devastation in our marriage.... because this time, there was no heartbeat. Our first baby, "Baby K" went straight to heaven.... I cried for days, off an on, for weeks really.... and he was like a stone. I knew he was grieving, but in such a different way.

There is joy after every suffering.. and several months later, there were two more pink lines... our innocence for the pure joy that was there previously, was now tarnished with nerves and anxiousness, but this time was different. This time those two pink lines led to the most beautiful little girl, Kambree, who was safely in our arms on March 22, 2007.

We had more heartache in the form of one more loss before having our second child.... our son, his BOY.... and we were so excited to name him, Kenton.... after Jason's late father. Jason was no stranger to heartache... he had to bury his father, his hero, at the age of 21.... and I know that has shaped him in to the man that he is.... and let me tell you, it's an amazing one.

 Kenton's entrance into this world.... was a little too early, and his lungs weren't developed. We got to love on him for a little over an hour, observing concerned "looks" between nurses and doctors, and eventually, they carted him off to the NICU where his lungs collapsed... it was there he stayed for the longest 9 days of my life.

 

My husband was back and forth, all night long.. trying to be there for me, and trying to be by our son's side. After about 24 hours I was finally able to see Kenton again, and after 48 hours, I was able to hold him. One of the most beautiful moments of my life... that painful few days, opened itself into such a beautiful moment forever etched in my mind. After 5 days, they finally kicked me out of my room... and we spent the next 4 days, by his side each day...but every night ended the same way....Jason dragging his sobbing wife away from their baby's side, and holding her all the way through the hospital halls and to the car..... leaving their son to the care of doctors and nurses...so we could go home and get some sleep, and spend a precious few moments with our daughter. It was certainly not an ideal entrance in to this world, but where there is great pain, there is often great joy... and I will NEVER forget the three of us, riding in the elevator to exit the hospital.... on our way home. There are no words to describe the elation we had, to be finally bringing him home!

Our family wasn't quite complete.... Kreslee came on the scene like clockwork, 2 years later....it was uneventful, and she was perfect..... and alas we were done.

 Two daughters, one son... each of them perfectly created by the one who knit them together in my womb....

So, the first 5 years of our marriage, can be pretty much summed up like this.... pregnancy, life with an infant, pregnancy, life with an infant and 2 year old, pregnancy, life with an infant, 2 year old, and a four year old. Oy!

Days upon days, years upon years of bottles, diapers, rocking, searching for binkies, so many firsts.... baths, steps, birthdays.... and then one day, all of those things were gone. At the time, it was so exhausting..... parenting in the early years is manual labor.... no doubt about it.....there were many moments when every kid was crying and both parents were trying not to, days where we wondered if we were screwing them all up.... and then one day, we woke up.... and there were no more diapers in the house... the bottles were gone. There was no longer a need for a glider in the nursery and so that was hauled off... the crib taken down... that time in our marriage was gone. We were moving on to another phase. There are moments when I'd give just about anything to go back to those days... to GET to be pregnant one more time, (yes, I LOVED being pregnant), to have another baby to rock and feed... but instead, what we have are the most amazing memories we made in those early years of our marriage.... they are many, and they are sweet.

The last 4 years have had just as many highs.... and of course some lows too, because that is this thing called LIFE. It's not always good... it's not always bad. We have been through devastating diagnosis' for our children, burials of loved ones, and high stress times... but there have also been amazing vacations, our daughter's baptism, new and exciting job ventures, new nieces and nephews... and so many moments where are cups, are truly running over.

As far as it goes for marriage (this is the anniversary edition, right?), I've determined this. It is oh so easy to love each other in the good times, in the health, in the wealth... but when hard times come knocking, THAT is when you find out what your marriage is made of. In high stress times... you want to blame someone... you want to lash out, and often a spouse seems like an easy target. They have to love you, right?  What happens to the love if you tear down, and pick at each other, and tear down, and pick at each other...you make each other your punching bag so to speak.... and  you never take time to re-focus, and remind yourself of how much you love about that person.

We don't do everything right.... and I can very honestly tell you, the past year of stress in our lives, has forced us to work harder on our marriage than ever before... but that's just what we are doing... working harder. We know what stress does to a marriage... we've seen the statistics... and we won't be one.

For us, here is what working harder looks like....

We've identified that we grieve differently. I vent. I research. I blog. He holds it in. In essence, he's the thinker, I'm the spewer (bad choice of word, did I mention I'm home with a sick one?). I need to let him talk things through in his time... and he needs to be a listening ear even when he doesn't feel like discussing things.

We are quick to apologize when we feel like we have lashed out. We don't let stressful moments, or a slight bicker turn into a day of bickering. We work it out quickly...and move on. You know, kiss and make up?

We remind ourselves that no one has to be "right" or "wrong".

We give each other a "pass" on tone of voice once... it's amazing how many fights can be triggered by the tone of voice... or how one of us perceived it. We remind ourselves, that the person we LOVE is just stressed... and CHOOSE to not make an issue of it. Not to let it turn into a wasted evening of bickering.  (I'll admit, Jason has had to do more of this forgiving than me-- but hey, I'm quicker to apologize.)

We are MAKING time to connect with each other, in a quality way, despite the chaos of our schedules filled with therapies and treatments. We are still going on dates, even though it may mean some creativity on getting Kambree's treatment done...even though some times, it just seems easier to stay home.

We pray together. We pray for each other.

We try to make each other laugh and smile....daily. When we were engaged, Jason told me his most important job in life, would be to make me smile every day.... one day I got flowers at work, and the card simply said..... "Did I make you smile?" He did then.... and he still does. In fact.... I just got the most beautiful roses delivered a few minutes ago... nine years later, he is STILL making me smile.


And you know what else we do...

In those crazy hectic moments, where we've been barking at each other... and letting stress mode get the best of us...we will stop and play OUR SONG! We don't just play it, we playfully serenade each other, find the closest thing we can to a pool stick for a makeshift mic, and take ourselves back to that moment in time when we very first fell in love. We take ourselves back to the time where it was just he and I....and all we had was the love that started this whole White world!

Happy anniversary to the most amazing man, I get to call mine. I love you, Jason. You bought me flowers. I blogged about you.... even? It'll have to be, because I've been home taking care of our puking babies for 3 days...no time for a gift.... and so it goes....in the good....in the bad.....I will always love you!

For you inquiring minds on what our song is.... here you go.... take a listen... I assure you we will be!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPBzTxZQG5Q

The 5/5's Scoop

Two months? Seriously? It's been two months since I've treated myself to some writing therapy. My mind is a constant blog, I assure you, but the schedule I am keeping these days... doesn't have a lot of wiggle room for the extras.

Between home-schooling my kiddos, running my at-home business, twice daily treatments for Kambree, therapies all over town for Kenton, children's activities, and keeping up with laundry, messes, and dishes for a family of five, I pretty much feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water most days.

But you didn't click on this link to watch me wallow...so wallow, I will not!  I will share some updates on our world.... our WHOLE world... all of us!

Kres- Wow... the last few months she has taken on a whole new personality... and though a little diva sneaks in here and there.... she is altogether a true delight. Hilarious. So expressive. Independent. We kind of just want to bottle her up... keep her this age FOREVER.... savor all the cute little things she does...so we can forever remember this stage....our last with our BABY! She absolutely adores her older siblings, and I am often very thankful that our decision to homeschool has given her so much quality time with them.

KD- Where to begin. This boy steals our hearts, over and over and over again. He has to work so hard...so very hard...for pretty much EVERY thing he does in life. Memorizing letters and numbers, making friends, physical activities, even little things we take for granted... dealing with transitions in daily life, adapting to change, self-control in loud environments. He has SO much to manage and cope with...but he's doing it! He is making leaps and bounds every day. He played soccer this year...and although I was very apprehensive... he didn't do too bad. He was engaged-ish, enjoyed being on a team, and of course loved the post-game snacks. He would beam when he noticed a family member had come to cheer him on... which is a victory in it's own. Seems like just yesterday, we were yearning for him to want to connect with us..... to want to hear us say "way to go".... and I'd say we arrived at that!  He never scored a legitimate goal...although in his mind he may have, he was far from the star of the team, but was always one of the first to help a player up after a fall. A few times this season, as he "ran" by us on the sidelines, we could hear him mutter, "they're just too fast", as he would try to catch up.... it was both heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time...but we were so very proud to see him out their trying. Not letting his lack of giftedness in some areas hold him back. We are so thankful for his amazing coaches, the incredible Upwards program, and a wonderful church that seeks ways to minister to our amazing community!

Kam-  Whew! Where to start. Second grade is treating her well. She is pretty stinkin' smart...and loves school, especially when she gets to be a student in Aunt Nell's classroom! If she isn't doing school.... you can find her at our kitchen table doing something artsy. She loves creating things on her rainbow loom.... coloring, drawing, singing, and most recently writing songs--- songs about our AWESOME God!! She is also counting down the days until basketball begins. Let's see, all of that.... and oh yea.. fighting Cystic Fibrosis like a champ! As you probably saw, her last culture in October revealed that her pseudomonas had returned.... we weren't at all happy to hear this news, but we are happy to have a plan of attack to combat it....and keep this nasty disease at bay as long as we can. Since that makes twice in 6 months that she has tested positive for it, she will now be on an extra step with her twice daily treatments for the next 6  months making them nearly twice as long.... our hopes of getting her down to one treatment a day have been dashed.... instead they've doubled..... but it is what it is. We try to make the most of her time spent doing treatments... we play games as a family... we do mother daughter manicures (this gets tricky with the shaking), we read books, we watch tv REALLY loudly to hear over the machine, we do creative things.... AND most recently, Kambree has had an idea she is working on. One she is VERY excited about... and will be sharing soon! :)

Hubs- Sorry babe... this isn't 4/5s of the White World, it's the WHOLE! (Is this starting to seem like a Christmas letter? May as well, because my guess this is as close as it gets this year. ;)) Let's see. My husband works so hard and is one of the lucky few who can honestly tell you he LOVES his job. They are in the process of opening a new Ashley Homestore in East Wichita, and he's pretty giddy about it! More work....but more fun! He is so amazing to balance it all. The kids and I are so very blessed to have such a hard working provider for our family.... but one that still makes each of us feel so very loved and important. He doesn't really have any hobbies..... as his schedule doesn't allow for it... so we are his hobbies. Truly.  It's tough work being the strong one all the time.... I don't know how he does it. We have a few different body parts ;)...but we both have hearts... and the road we've been on the last year has been hard for both of us, we just deal in different ways. I blog. I cry. I have amazing girlfriends and sisters I get to lean on because that's what we women do. He just has to be tough.... and every once in a while, when I see a twinge of pain starting to show itself in him... I reminded how hard it must be to him. So I force him to talk... remind him that rocks break sometimes too, and I pray for him, all the time. I am just so darn lucky to have him.

As for me, let's see I'm a work in progress. Some days I feel like I've got it all together... emotionally strong, focused on the day at hand.... and other days, I feel like I'm on the edge of a mental breakdown. Those days are because I struggle with staying in the here and now.... I let my mind wander to what the future looks like for us... for our sweet babies...on those days I may be feeling a bit sorry for myself about the way things have played out for us.  It doesn't last long though! I cling to what I know is true. God's got this! We've already seen his glory revealed in many ways through this journey.... through the diagnosis process with both Kenton and Kambree, and the way the pieces all fit together.... through financial provision for our family... in unexpected ways, through providing inexplicably expensive medication for our daughter.... and so much more! We KNOW he is in control.... and this verse is one I have hidden in my  heart for THOSE days.

Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

And who the HECK am I to argue with that?!? It doesn't say give thanks when life is peachy. Give thanks when you get what you want. Give thanks when your kids are healthy. It says give thanks in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES.....so that's just what we'll do!

I thank God for the people Autism and Cystic Fibrosis has brought in our paths. I thank God for the new found patience it has taught us in dealing with our children. I thank God for the lesson in judgment it has taught in regards to awareness in this world of OTHER people's struggles.  I thank God for reasons to lean on him. I thank God for using us, to help show his glory. I thank God for the reminder that we have to continue to share his Good News with this hurting world.. because there are other families out there, that are dealing with similar things, or far worse... without the saving knowledge of Him.... and I can't comprehend how you put one foot in front of the other without Him.

And mostly, I thank God for this...