Lost and Found

This morning on the way to church, I was thinking it was past time for an update here.... there were a lot of different things running through my mind I "needed" to chronicle. Unfortunately, they all got trumped by this afternoon's (for lack of a better word) excitement.

I've made jokes since my son was two years old, about how his "Houdini" like abilities. I've said more times than I can count, that if you blink... he's gone. He's quick as lightning, beyond discreet--sneaky really, and the longer we go through this---the humor is disappearing....and it's being replaced by sheer horrification. Is that even a word? (It didn't put a red line underneath it, so we'll go with it.)

I know horrified is a pretty strong word, but what else do you call it when your stomach is in knots, your heart is pounding, your mind is racing... you feel physically ill with worry?

Today, Kenton disappeared. We wrapped up a lovely lunch at Mama D's. We were doing the usual, clean up and load up routine.... he came in to the kitchen and sweetly requested a strawberry for the road.... took two.... and then, moments later, we were making our way to the car, and there was no Kenton.

I wish I could say this was the first time... but honestly, I've lost count of the number of times this has happened....although today---was one of the scariest.

Typically, the first few moments you realize a child is missing, you just know they are there somewhere close, right under your nose... and don't panic. For us, any time he is out of sight, we know that could mean he is ANYWHERE.

After the "obvious" places came up with no sign of him, SIX adults dispersed----inside, outside, calling his name.... and NOTHING.

I was running  around my parent's house, just praying I'd see his little feet sticking out from under a bed, or hear him snicker in a closet as I walked by..... just like he does when we play hide and seek. I kept thinking I'd hear my father's famous whistle signaling he'd found him.... or see my husband walking up the hill holding his little hand. But none of these things were happening.

I know every parent reading this, can relate to some degree.... that moment where you realize your child is out in this big wide world, and you "their protector", has not a clue where they are.

That tiny little part of me that stays calm in situations like that, continued to say, "He's fine. He'll turn up. He can't be far...he was JUST requesting strawberries." And a much larger part of me, was thinking of headlines I've read about children with Autism disappearing, and how many of those don't have happy endings.....and feeling like I was on the verge of a 911 call....and a full out search party.

Just when I was really starting to lose it---and give in to my helplessness, I heard some yell, "We've got him"....... and all I could think was "Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Jesus! Thank you Jesus!" The entire search was probably 5-10 minutes..... but I assure, it felt like an hour.

My mother gets the award for finding my sweetie---she noticed a light on in my dad's vehicle in the garage, and he was laying still and flat in the back..... playing "hide and seek". I do not know what possessed him to go and hide, or what made him think of getting in there. He does love confined spaces... or maybe he was just blocking out the chaos? Most likely, he just gave in to his impulsive nature.

Long story (blog) short (they never are).... he is found! He is safe in his Daddy's arms, watching a movie.... and after a long snuggle-fest and talk with him..... and about 1000 "I'm sooooo sorry Mommies" with this expression....

(looks JUST like his Dad here)

 

....I will spend my day 1/2 wallowing, and 1/2 thankful.

 

 

So allow me to take advantage of the "It's my blog, and I'll cry if I want to!" rule! I do try to stay pretty positive.... and I KNOW that the blessings in my life FAR out weigh the struggles... but man, this is hard stuff.  I don't feel as though I can EVER let my guard down. EVER! Every time we go anywhere...it's a death grip on his sweet little hand. I do feel like we are attentive parents... but situations like this, leave you with such a huge feeling of inadequacy. Questioning your abilities to keep him safe. They leave you wondering how many "close calls" you can get through, before one of them doesn't end so well. Today, as it turned out, he was "hiding".... other days... he's "wandering".... both equally scary.

 

I know.... "all kids wander off", "all kids have tantrums"--- remember, I have two other kids... I do know this to be true.  I assure this is not my attempt at saying, "I've got it worse".... that's really a competition I have no interest in winning.... but the facts are... it's different. This involves dealing with a brain that views the world differently. Children with autism.... have an impaired sense of danger. When you add that to their often impulsive behavior and curiosity....it's downright scary. 

 

I've read many articles on the "wandering tendencies" of children on the spectrum. It's truly terrifying.  One article said it best.... that the wandering "is terrifying at it's best.... and tragic at it's worst"..... and that is what we live with. The fear that next time this happens.... and it will... the ending won't be one of hugs, and long talks, and "I'm sorries." It could be one that permanently leaves us with that inadequate feeling.... and much, much worse.

 

Just knowing how many attentive and loving parents have gone down this road, and not gotten their happy ending makes me physically ill with empathy.

 

So what can we do about it? For one, if you see a sign like this in a neighborhood....

we can try to be extra attentive. If we see a child unattended, and something doesn't seem right.... we can err on the side of caution...and investigate.

 

We can remember the next time we see a headline of a child who has wandered off, to let our feelings be that of concern and empathy....and not of judgment on "what were the parents doing?" It may be that the parents... just blinked.

 

We can PRAY. Pray for parents that struggle through situations like this daily. PRAY for safety for these beautiful children, whose impulsive nature, can lead them innocently in to harm's way.

 

Through the beautiful world of Facebook, I've been connected with an amazing mom from Oklahoma, who has been instrumental in getting communities set up with "first responder"  information for children on the spectrum. Getting police informed with things they are interested in and drawn too, as well as a photo on file, so that in the event that the child goes missing.... it can be dispatched out and the search can start with more time efficiency. I've neglected to make that call, to find out if we have something like that in place....and if not, to see if I can be instrumental in helping to accomplish something of that nature here..... so tomorrow.... #1 on my "to-do list" is to see what I can find out.

 

That will be far more productive than replaying today's events.